


Shinitagari

by iwachans



Series: Haikyuu!! Vocaloid Song Fics [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (?), Angst, Depression, Dysfunctional Relationship, Gen, M/M, Mild Language, Self-Harm, and tsukki is the best friend you could ask for, i forgot what else i was gonna tag oop, oikawa fucks up, yamaguchi goes hard af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-31 22:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3996352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwachans/pseuds/iwachans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm sick of trying to be the good guy<br/>and cheer you up!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shinitagari

**Author's Note:**

> ao3 user iwachans for the angst king  
> The beginning of a series of unrelated (possible) one shots based off vocaloid songs (some may have song lyrics too idk kinda depends on the fic) *jazz hands*  
> also mentions of self harm!! Please don't read this if it bothers you!!  
> song (obv) is shinitagari ("You Wanna Die?")

Tadashi has had enough of Tooru's bullshit.

He wasn't sure when Tooru began behaving so strangely, but the change in attitude that was developed subtly had finally caught Tadashi's attention.

Tooru started with his not-so-Tooru like pessimism. He moped throughout most of the dates he went on with Tadashi, or had almost always commented something about being 'upset' frequently. He’d leave not even an hour into their date, and Tadashi would spend the day with Tsukishima instead (who didn't mind, after all, since he is Tadashi’s best friend) who would always tell him that Tooru was no good. Tadashi thanks him for the advice, but never acts upon it. He loves Tooru too much. Too much to end it.

Eventually the brunet's thoughts became more and more concerning to Tadashi. He tried comforting the older male, but his attempts were futile. Soon enough, Tadashi gives up on trying to help Tooru. He stops with the pitying and changes the topic when Tooru begins to fill the silence between them with depressed thoughts. The time they spent at each other’s side was cut to only a few phone calls or text messages every two weeks; Tadashi doesn't want to admit that he misses Tooru more than he can put into words.

(Tadashi always looked away or left when he did try to surprise Tooru at Aoba Jousai, only to find him wearing a bright grin surrounded by girls. Tooru never notices him, though. He wonders why he hardly gets smiled at like that.)

He thinks that Tooru has managed to crawl out of his funk over a month’s time. He thinks that things will be back to normal. Tadashi wants to see Tooru’s normal self again.

Instead he has a mini heart attack when he catches a glimpse of Tooru's wrists, bandaged crudely and the blade of a broken pencil sharpener unceremoniously forgotten on his desk.

Tadashi weeps. Tooru only watches with a self-pitying look.

Then he finds a full bottle of pills that belonged to Tooru’s mother thrown on his bathroom counter.

(Tadashi is ultimately terrified, because those bandages are all too similar to his own.)

* * *

Tooru yells at him one day, and he doesn't forgive him for it.

It had started as an average Friday afternoon; Tadashi stayed at Tooru’s house for the weekend since his mother was out of town, and they were wrapped in at least ten blankets on the couch. Tooru had one arm around Tadashi’s shoulder, and the freckled boy only focuses on the bandages. They're practically falling apart, and Tadashi can see the scars. The zig zags of multiple scars decorating Tooru’s forearm and wrist, red and beginning to fade into white.

Tadashi speaks up, voice wavering as he asks, “Why did you do this to yourself?”

Tooru answers simply and nonchalantly, like Tadashi was asking about the weather, “I’m depressed.”

Tadashi presses further, and he swears he can't breathe when Tooru explodes.

“You don't get it, Tadashi! You don't understand what it’s like to wake up and wanting to die,” Tooru screams, “I want to die, Tadashi! I'm always alone, no one understands! Not you, not Iwa-chan, not anyone!”

His claim hits too close to home than Tadashi liked, and he finds himself hurt and furious.

Tadashi sees red, and he stands and grabs his bag,meeting Tooru’s glare with one of his own.

“I think you're a fucking liar, Tooru,” he seethes, and then Tadashi is out the door. He can hear Tooru calling his name, but he doesn’t turn back. Only keeps walking down the street and rummaging in his bag for money for a train ride home.

* * *

 

When he walks through his front door, Tadashi breaks into bitter tears. He is furious at Tooru, at himself, at everything. He tells himself that he hates Tooru,their relationship, and everything in between. He calls himself a liar, as well.

His spat with Tooru, despite how quick it has started and ended, has called despair, which curled its fingers around Tadashi’s heart and mind. It is not the emptiness that sneaks up on him suddenly, where everything just isn't worth it, but the actual disconsolate feeling looming over him, the discontentment where he is unable to move for hours, days even. The feeling where he wants to cry when he wakes to realize he did, in fact, live through the night after all.

 

His relationship with Tooru, he realizes, is as unhealthy as it could possibly get. He gets at least twenty messages, eighteen from Tooru, who he deletes from his contacts without reading the messages, and he doesn’t bother checking the other two. He sets his phone down, and does something he promised himself he wouldn't do months ago.

He reaches into his bag for a pencil sharpener, breaks it, and is about to slice his skin open when he hears a key turn in the lock and Tsukishima bursts through the door.

 

If Tadashi was angry earlier, Tsukishima was fucking livid. The blonde pulls the small blade from his hand and wraps his arms around Tadashi in an awkward, tight embrace. Tadashi doesn't move, doesn't say anything except for, “How did you find out?”

Tsukishima, he learns, keeps in touch with Iwaizumi, who happened to be told by none other than Tooru himself about his outburst. Tadashi tenses when he hears Tsukishima mutters an apology, and he breaks down, returning the hug and sobbing into Tsukishima’s shoulder.

Tsukishima spends the night with Tadashi, keeping a close eye on him just in case he finds any other mean of self harm (he doesn’t look for one, he’s too exhausted now), making sure he takes the medication Tadashi forgot to take that morning, watching his favorite movie (Kiki’s Delivery Service) for the millionth time; Tadashi was grateful that he wasn't alone, and even more when Tsukishima doesn't bring up Tooru.

Tadashi is finally able to think straight the next morning.

“Thanks, Tsukki.” Is the first thing that comes out of his mouth.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi. You don't have to thank me.”

Tadashi only laughs, ignoring the amount of voicemails and missed calls from a number he recognizes as Tooru’s, and blocks it without a second thought.

He can breathe clearly again, and he reaches the decision that he’s done. He’s done with Tooru.

He'll break Tooru off, for his own sake.

* * *

 

He wanders to Aoba Josai that next Monday morning, and his heart leaps out of his chest when he sees Tooru standing on the rooftop, his back pressed against the fence. He tells himself to be afraid, terrified even, and he admits he is, yet the first emotion he feels is rage.Tadashi dashes into the building, ignoring the protests of the students staying after school, shouting ‘ _Hey, you're not from here!_ ’ and ‘ _Oi, who are you? You need to leave!_ ’; he doesn't stop when his lungs scream for air as he runs up three flights of stairs.

He stumbles through the door that leads to the roof, and glares at Tooru’s back. He is not afraid of speaking his mind now.

“How pathetic can you get?”

Tooru looks back, shock evident on his face. His lips begin to form Tadashi’s name, but the freckled boy cuts him off.

“You want to die? You’re alone? That’s laughable,” Tadashi chuckles to prove his point, “If you want to die, go ahead! No one will care! So please, be my guest.”

Tooru only stands dumbly, but Tadashi can see tears glistening down his cheeks.

“Tadashi-”

“ _If you don't want to die, then live! Live with all you've got! Enough with complaining and live with all your might!_ ”

Tadashi exhales, catching his breath in the heavy silence between them. Tooru somehow managed to pull himself over the fence, and only gapes at Tadashi. His back straightens, and he makes eye contact with Tooru before turning around and walking towards the door. He faces Tooru once more, one hand on the doorknob.

“It’s got nothing to do with me.”

Then he exits, shutting the door behind him, not looking back anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> :^)  
> i didnt mean to make oikawa look like th bad guy bc i lov him but i wanted to end this w angst so im sorr my volley son  
> (i'd be totally cool with taking requests for other songs/pairings for this series)


End file.
